Where Do My Biases Come From?

Am I Judgmental? Blunt? Empathetic? | Do I demonstrate Honesty? Responsibility? Effort?

This is the first entry in the "Curiosities in the Chaos" series. 'CitC' chronicles things of note (Curiosities) discovered through self-reflection and reinvention (Chaos) since I began writing publicly in November of 2024.

Photo by Dawid Zawiła on Unsplash

I began writing here saying I would "start by telling my story." Today, that means a discussion about something my therapist said last week. :)

She suggested I consider my biases and their sources – specifically regarding how I interact with people every day.

After some thought and reflection, I've decided the relevant biases to discuss (regarding my ongoing attempt to assimilate into my native culture) are:

• Pre-Conceived

• Un-Reasoned

• Unreasonably Hostile

... and stem from my desire to be:

• Honest

• Responsible

• Diligent/Industrious

I have no idea where she thought I might go with her suggestion, but that's where I went. /shrug

Bottom Line: Understanding my biases may help me live a better life by interacting with people more easily, being less judgmental, perhaps a bit less blunt, and a bit more empathetic.

If you are curious how this all ties together, stay with me, dear reader. 8^)

Some Context:

I've said I currently struggle to find mentors or people to listen to or learn from... well, there are a few exceptions I can note:

• the very kind police officer who pulled me over for doing 31 in a 20 (school zone) Thursday morning and let me off with a warning

• the person currently preparing my taxes

• my new therapist

I spent the first year after my retirement with one very patient therapist. I would say our send/receive ratio was probably 90/10, 95/5.

He let me ramble... a lot.

He listened well and chose some solid moments and thoughts to interject.

He helped my "rock bottom" be a lot less painful than it could have been.

This year I have a new therapist and I'm trying to ballpark more 80/20. I've learned to shut up occasionally and she tactfully redirects me back to listen-mode from time to time.

As we were talking this week, she stopped me cold.

Glancing back at my scribbled notes from our meeting, it must have captured my attention so strongly I stopped writing anything down.

What I think she said was:

"Where do your biases come from?"

I'm not sure exactly how she said it, but there may have been a hint of genuine curiosity. She (somehow) managed to avoid sounding hostile and it took me a moment to understand she wasn't trying to make our session political.¹

I almost got rather blunt with her, but I summoned just enough empathy (and perhaps a tad of sanity, professional respect, or curiosity) to respond with something like: "regarding politics, I try to avoid echo chambers, but I’m not sure what you mean." Outside of the political realm, I hadn't given much thought to biases in general.

Perhaps my personal biases impact one of my greatest, ongoing struggles: simply interacting with people.

That's when I realized I should give my biases, and perhaps their sources, some deep thought.

What are biases and where do they come from?

Let's start with a definition:

What is a "Bias":

From https://www.dictionary.com/browse/bias , (emphasis, mine) :

1. a particular tendency, trend, inclination, feeling, or opinion, especially one that is preconceived or unreasoned:

   The hiring manager was found to have shown bias against job applicants who wore less expensive clothing.

   The magazine’s bias is toward art rather than photography.

   We need to set aside our strong bias in favor of the idea and evaluate it logically.

   Synonyms: leaning, bent, proclivity, partiality, predilection, preconception, predisposition

   Antonyms: impartiality

2. unreasonably hostile feelings or opinions about a social group; prejudice:

   The show’s host has faced accusations of racial bias.

The first point says quite a lot, but "preconceived" and "unreasoned" are the key words to note.

On the second point, from my perspective recently, I see the "social group" as "basically everyone." I've found myself unnecessarily defensive in many conversations and I think "unreasonably hostile feelings" may be an appropriate description. I know this is unhealthy... I'm workin' on it. :)

The biases I discuss below all fit at least one of these categories:

(PC) - Pre-Conceived

(UR) - Un-Reasoned

(H) - Unreasonably Hostile

Where do biases come from?

Everyone has their own biases based on their personal experiences and values. I imagine if you perform a similar exercise - identify your biases and where they come from - you would identify things unique to you that differ greatly from my perspective and experience.

The primary sources of my biases I chose for today's discussion are:

• My Parents - A source of many pre-conceived biases, perhaps a few unreasoned

• Scouts - Another source of many pre-conceived biases, with one particular unreasoned and hostile event of note

• Air Force and its core values - The source of far too many biases of all three types.

Air Force Core Values

Though I rarely give these specific words: integrity, service, excellence, much thought anymore, after trying to live them for 24 years they became a part of who I am. When I was challenged to "consider the source of my biases," these values bubbled up to the top of my mind rather quickly.

At risk of sounding like a sycophantic robot, just another cog in the machine, a sanctimonious ideolog, or some Captain America wanna-be, let me be clear: after losing myself in my career, I'm fortunate I didn't lose my family (and myself) in the process.

I allowed the military to forge me into a relatively effective tool and a lot of that experience led to positive personal development ... but there are many parts of that experience that created rough edges which need smoothed out, even if some of them sound somewhat virtuous.

Perhaps part of the reason I had (still have?) so much of my identity wrapped up in my career is because the stated core values of the organization align quite well with my own. That made a lot of things about that job/career easier/tolerable/survivable for me -- even if trying too hard to fit that specific mold caused longer term challenges, like the ones I'm facing now and writing about here.

I latched on to these core values and still cling to them today because they are timeless and make sense to me.

However, many things about my military service remain main sources of trauma from which I need to heal.

Applying these core values in my life through the appropriate lens, with the proper balance, all while healing, is going to take deliberate thought and action.

Because of this, perhaps it shouldn't be a surprise that I chose to categorize my most significant biases in three areas:

• Honesty (Integrity)

• Responsibility (Service)

• Diligence/Industriousness (Excellence)

Examples of Bias Forming:

The following are life experiences I believe shaped some of my key biases. I have not yet reflected upon many of these to fully appreciate or understand their impact on who I am today, so my apologies if the thoughts seem a bit disjointed. Some of these may be a glimpse into topics for future discussion here. :)

Recall from our definition of "bias" above, these are the types I identified:

(PC) - Pre-Conceived

(UR) - Un-Reasoned

(H) - Unreasonably Hostile

Desire to be Honest (Integrity)

My mom hated anything that resembled lies. (PC)

• She made it clear that lies of omission were typically as bad as outright lies. (UR?)

• One of the last things I told her was that she made me an honest man, perhaps to a fault. (PC)

• Recognizing the times my honesty has been taken advantage of by others easily leads to unhealthy distrust (UR) (H?)

• Being lied-to tends to evoke unreasonably hostile reactions (H)

The USAF Core Value of "Integrity First" worked well for me (PC)

There was comfort knowing there was generally a solid level of trust among peers (PC)

It is unrealistic to expect integrity from everyone (UR) (especially when I'm not even perfect with myself...)

My "truth detector" needs recalibration since I've retired. (UR) Several recent experiences have shown my naivete in dealing with people is practically debilitating these days. (UR/H?)

A scout is trustworthy, courteous, kind. (PC)

Value importance of taking care of my Responsibilities (Service)

My dad was in a wheelchair my entire life.

• I pushed him everywhere as a kid once I was old enough to reach the handles. (PC)

• As an only child, that job was mine, so I did it even when it was hard. (PC)

• This may be partly why I get so frustrated when people don't attempt to do their job (UR) (H)

In a volunteer situation once, I was once loudly dressed down, semi-publicly, by someone whose trust and respect I worked rather hard to earn. 15 years later, that tongue-lashing is still the first thing I think about whenever I try to set boundaries. (PC) (UR?) (H?)

That day I took a break because my own personal limits were exceeded, and my health needs became urgent. Even though I met (exceeded) all the requirements of my leadership role, this individual expected me to be physically present and I wasn't. "Leaders eat last" took on a new meaning for me that day, and that's a story for another time. :) (UR) (H)

When people call me out for not "doing my job," especially when I already did it, I get a bit grumpy (PC) (UR?) (H!)

Being volunteered or "volun-told" for something really doesn't work well for me anymore... (UR?) (H)

A scout is loyal, helpful, obedient. (PC)

Aim to be Diligent and Industrious (Excellence)

When I was young, my mom saw how much I loved playing video games. She saw how diligent I wasn't with my homework. She knew I would probably not do much with my life unless she pushed me to try hard at productive things. Perhaps this is partly why I still feel a constant need to stay productive each day before I slow down and relax or "play a video game." (PC)

"Attention to detail" was drilled into our skulls in basic training and reinforced frequently. The cross-checks and verifications on so much of what I did in the military and aviation community made the standard of excellence the only standard I knew. (PC) (UR)

Treating everything in my life with a need to be so detail oriented (or expecting others to treat everything the same way) doesn't work well. (UR) (H)?

For whatever reason, I generally don't want to "fight battles" I can't/won't win. (PC) (UR)

At work, I once had a 4-hour timeline for a task that required 2 hours of effort. It was tedious and I got distracted for about 20 minutes, in part because I needed a mental break. I was chastised for getting off task and made it a point to stay diligent in the future. (PC)

• I later determined the break itself wasn't the problem. Taking said break while physically present in the room where I was supposed to perform said task was the problem. That would have been nice to figure out sooner... ;p (UR)

A scout is obedient, thrifty, brave. (PC)

* “Potential” (PC) (UR?) (H?)

I hated this word as a kid. It doesn't 'trigger' me like it did when I was young, but it always drove me nuts and still bugs me. It was the instant guilt-trip word against low effort or laziness, and it worked. In some form or another I've been struggling to live up to my 'potential' in almost everything I've ever done. Constantly feeling lazy despite my level of effort is exhausting. Expecting others to feel the same need to strive is naïve and is a bias that also belongs on this list. :)

What’s the point?

So what is the point of this exercise? My therapist didn't tell me, but she gave me a hint, so here's my best guess:

Understanding my biases can help me be less judgmental, less blunt when appropriate, and more empathetic in general.

It seems there's a range of communication, from Empathetic to Blunt to Judgmental - and biases may play a strong role in moving along that line.

I once wrote that "I had developed a severe lack of empathy." I think I can now clarify that statement.

It wasn't that I had become an un-empathetic person or lost the ability to feel. My 'empathy tank' was too low, was not refilling fast enough, and I didn't realize it. (a discussion on 'un-boundaried empathy' and my 'empathy tank' concept may be warranted at some point)

One manifestation was my communication with others became much more blunt. It happened so slowly I didn't even notice.

With my tank running low enough long enough, my base instinct or gut reaction became judgmental far too often.

Empty Empathy Tank + Unidentified Biases with Rough Edges = Not a Fun Guy.

I'm glad I'm finally giving this some thought ... because I can do better. ;p

Final Thoughts

We all have our own biases from our personal values and individual life experiences. If we identify our biases, we should be able to tackle them if we choose.

Perhaps we can re-evaluate our preconceived inclinations or add reason to our unreasoned opinions. If we have unreasonably hostile feelings perhaps identifying our biases and their origins can help us become more decent people.

Personally, I will continue to examine this new framework to assess my biases and actions. I hope this will allow me to slowly pull my habitual conversational response back toward Empathetic.

If I back off the 'judgmental' and swing through 'blunt' along the way, I'll call that a win. :)

…

If you have any thoughts or questions, or anything you would like to share, feel free to leave a comment.

Thank you again for your time. I look forward to seeing you next Saturday.

Take care,

- jofty 8^)

ps. If you were there, thank you for stopping by my live stream last week! I was slightly concerned I would be talking to myself on this first one, so seriously... thank you for popping in. :) That was fun and I imagine we will do it again.

Curiosities in the Chaos:

SWP #924 - Grace is something I’ve been thinking of a lot more lately:

1. I am not a mental health professional ...

... but I have a feeling my therapist may have gone out on a limb there. I had fairly judgmental reaction and would have probably gotten rather upset by the same words just a few short months ago.