Being Authentic vs. Seeking Connection

Being authentic and seeking connection are both physiological needs, but they are often at odds with each other.

Authenticity has always been important to me.

I learned very early in life that I was a bad liar. I haven’t deliberately tried to lie in a while, and certainly not to someone’s face. I’m just not good at it. I never have been. In fact, I’m so bad at it, I find simple pleasantries and small talk challenging.

I think this gives me a solid predisposition toward being authentic.

Authenticity has long been a guiding principle in my life. It shapes my interactions with others and my understanding of myself… but that hasn’t always been a good thing, or well received. :)

In this article, I’ll share a few personal experiences about authenticity and explore how it has been both a strength and a challenge.

Struggles with Authenticity

Even in situations where it might be easier to bend the truth, I’ve typically found authenticity to be my preferred communication method. However, being inclined to tell the truth has gotten me into trouble from time to time, especially in situations where diplomacy, tact, or even simple human understanding might have been more appropriate.

Recently, this has become apparent in my writing, where even the slightest deviation from my true thoughts feels wrong. When I’ve struggled to arrange my ideas clearly, dabbling with AI has quickly shown how even subtle changes in my verbiage feel fake and rapidly change the meaning I intend to convey.

In my personal life, there came a point when I was simply done trying to be someone I wasn’t.

I embraced authenticity, even though it came at a cost I didn’t realize. Though it seems counterintuitive to me, being authentic doesn’t always lead to better connections with others.

Writing here on Substack is another exercise in finding a balance. Being open and honest without oversharing is a fun challenge. :)

As I began to more fully embrace authenticity, I realized it was more of a physiological need than a simple life perspective or ideology.

A big insight came when I found “The Need for Authenticity.”

In this talk, Gabor Mate describes the dynamic between authenticity and attachment. From his clinical experience, he frames both as survival needs.

When he explains how we often suppress authenticity in favor of attachment, it makes sense. His stories illustrate how suppressing authenticity can hinder meaningful relationships. He also makes a solid case for how authenticity (or more precisely, repression of it) impacts our health in many ways we may never consider.

The way he describes authenticity and its physical interaction with our hearts and our nervous systems is quite interesting. It helped me make sense of why being true to ones’ self can have tangible health benefits.

Authenticity in Different Contexts

Growing up, I was fortunate to have a stable family with parents who instilled in me the values of honesty and integrity. These were reinforced in the Boy Scouts and the Air Force, where clear rules and guidelines made navigating authenticity easier.

In the military, authenticity was often a strength.

In a temporary stint as an Operations Superintendent, I enjoyed the work of arranging deployment schedules for about 60 people over a nebulous two-year future plan. It was like playing chess, but harder, since ‘trading pieces’ didn’t simplify things. On top of that, my “opponent” (dynamic mission requirements) didn’t always play by the rules.

Authenticity was the only way I survived that temporary role. To ensure the mission was accomplished and morale stayed high, it was vital to have honest conversations with people whose lives would be put on hold. Authenticity helped keep things real, but connecting with each individual helped ensure important messages were better received. Doing the job long-term (and well) required a personal touch I simply didn’t have, and authenticity wasn’t the total solution. Connection mattered more than I realized at the time.

Transitioning to civilian life has been different. The rules are fuzzier and the ‘mission’ is unclear. Social norms are understandable but less clearly defined. We wear uniforms at work, generally avoid flip-flops at funerals, and respond to “how are you” with “good.”

I get it.

But without the military’s clear lines, I’ve found it harder to “read the room.”

Authenticity is perceived differently depending on the environment. In my Authenticity missive, I called different situations “rooms” - work, social life, social media, or this unique online spaces called Substack. In some rooms, being authentic surprises people; in others, it’s seen as blunt or otherwise unwanted.

Staying authentic while bouncing around different rooms is fun. :)

For more context, on the Air Force side, my desire for authenticity drove at least one major professional decision.

At a couple points in my career, I was well positioned to apply for a perpetually open position in Washington, DC. Despite the intrigue, particularly the extensive travel, there was something I couldn’t name at the time told me not to do it. Now I’d call it stress, foreboding, intuition… maybe even my soul whispering wisdom my mind didn’t yet grasp.

I am so glad I didn’t apply.

Rejection would’ve simply upset or confused me. Being accepted would have placed me in an environment where conformity to exceptionally high standards left very little room for authenticity.

Having such tight limits put on my authenticity may have led to early burnout or potentially wrecked my family. Living in that DC bubble, even with my embrace of the Air Force values and mission, would have crushed my soul. Trying to fit in would have drained me in ways I can’t describe.

Authenticity guided me away from that path. I’m glad I listened. It’s a choice I don’t regret.¹

The Balance Between Authenticity and Connection

For most of my life, I’ve prioritized authenticity, often at the unknown expense of personal connections. Surface-level engagements feel uncomfortable. I’d rather have real, honest interactions.

I’ve come to believe many (most?) people prioritize connection over authenticity. Until recently, I didn’t even realize those two were necessarily in opposition to each other.

Oddly enough, if authenticity hurts personal connections, that explains a few things about how I get along with people… or don’t. ;p

This was a revelation: what I saw as a strength, others might find disruptive or unsettling.

I find insincerity incredibly unsettling. I didn’t realize that made me odd. I would pick authentic communication 98 times out of 100.

Being inauthentic, or interacting with others in a non-genuine way, is very uncomfortable.

This plays out in small talk too. When someone asks, “How are you?” especially if they sound like they actually care, I instinctively want to answer honestly, not with a platitude. Offering platitudes feels inauthentic, and I wonder if that’s what “people pleasing” looks like to others.

I’ve always enjoyed making people smile. Once upon a time I was a pretty active homebrewer and brewed a lot beer. I hosted a couple soirees to share my craft, and those were among most enjoyable experiences of my life. Watching the room light up with smiles and happy faces because of my creation moved me in a way I can’t explain.

Though to a much smaller extent, helping people with small things feels similar. When I can help someone, I generally do so gladly. Apparently there’s a line somewhere that looks like ‘people pleasing,’ and that can easily be perceived as disingenuous. I should have figured that out sooner. :)

I never thought helping people would be perceived as somehow fake or unwanted. Doing things to help people, making people smile… those things feel authentic to me, but apparently not always to others.

It was only recently that I started to appreciate how much being authentic can hinder connection.

The article below, Power of Authenticity: Why Being Real Threatens, Inspires, and Transforms, sheds some light on how authenticity can be perceived and how “keeping it real” can be unsettling to many people.² It hits the topic of “authenticity vs connection” very well and from many angles.

The article explains a lot about why I’ve struggled in personal relationships. I find surface level ‘connection’ largely unwanted. My need for authentic connection doesn’t always fit well in the real world. ( Oddly enough, it doesn’t translate well to short Substack notes or comments, either. ;p )

I don’t see authenticity and connection as mutually exclusive. A balance should be sought, and choosing only one or the other makes relationships tough. Exclusively choosing authenticity probably limits many opportunities in personal and professional spheres of life.

Conclusion

In this article, I’ve shared parts of my journey and my relationship with authenticity.

From my childhood, through my military career, and in recent civilian experiences, the the tricky balance between authenticity and connection is a tightrope I’ve walked with a strong lean toward one side. A balance is probably better. :)

Despite the challenges, I still believe authenticity is typically the best choice, when given an option.

I believe true connection is built on honesty, integrity, and authenticity.

I encourage you, dear reader, to embrace your own authenticity. It’s not always easy, and maybe not always the best choice, but it’s a powerful way to connect with yourself and others… and maybe help keep you healthy.

Thank you for stopping by today. If you would like to share your thoughts, feel free to leave a comment below or send a me a DM through Substack.

I hope this missive sparked some insight or provided some entertainment, and I look forward to seeing you next Saturday.

I hope you have a pleasant week.

Take care,

- jofty 8^)

1.

Jon Mick

has taken a lengthy, personal deep dive into authenticity. In his article, Unmasking Success: The Paradox of Authenticity in a Masking World, he tells part of his story about choosing authenticity and making a significant move in his professional life.

The way he addresses authenticity coming with trade-offs and the ‘paradox of acceptance’ spoke to me.

This particular quote encapsulates the fear I had about the job in DC. To succeed there, I’d have put my survival at risk.

2. The following article tackles authenticity from many angles, but primarily the perspective of how it appears to and affects other people. There are some hard-to-hear opinions in there, but a lot of it makes sense.

If you want to know more about how authenticity impacts those around you, this article is gold. I wish I’d have found this years ago.

Power of Authenticity: Why Being Real Threatens, Inspires, and Transforms

Authenticity will always unsettle those who are not ready to face their own truth. But for those who dare to live it, the reward is a life of integrity, depth, and genuine connection—one that is worth far more than the fleeting approval of others.