A Note, Caution, and Warning for the Easily Distracted, Task Saturated, or Overwhelmed
In our daily lives distractions and task saturation can be frustrating and sometimes overwhelming challenges to overcome. In extreme cases, we can discuss glass balls.
If the first two posts at jofty’s Corner were laying a foundation for the community we are building here, perhaps we should consider this post the cornerstone for a house beginning to take shape. On occasion I may write about things that are “actionable.” This is my first attempt to do that. I can confidently say I will be referring back to or referencing the techniques detailed below in my future missives. :)
Major Points:
In my first post, ‘what missives lie within?’ I laid out a broad outline of expectations here and what motivated me to start writing. I touched on how my choice to start writing here on Substack was largely precipitated by my struggles since retiring from the military last summer. I said I would start by telling my story, so I did. :) I also said we would approach mental health topics through a “lessons learned” or debrief perspective. We will do that below.
For the last year or so I’ve been adjusting to life on the outside. Everyone walks a different path, but I believe many of my struggles may be more common than I thought. This was not initially intended to be a mental health blog, but I think parts of it may evolve that direction as we go. We will explore mental health topics generally as they apply to my personal victories and lessons learned. With luck, those discussions may bring hope and encouragement to others with similar struggles.
In my second post, I re-told the story of my military retirement ceremony. That was a snapshot of where I was in my life and in my mind in the summer of 2023. I ended that speech suggesting we’d been in “survival mode” while on active duty. I also suggested I expected and looked forward to shifting gears into “thriving” mode, likely sooner rather than later.
We have spent most of our lives together focusing on surviving.
That time is over.
I look forward to focusing on thriving.
That “shift” has been a little clunky. ;p
In this, my third post, I will address one particular type of challenge I’ve experienced and highlight three tools I found useful between that ceremony and today. I am quite certain our family has not fully settled in to “thriving” mode yet, but I see signs of hope and progress. Shifting from 'surviving' to 'thriving' isn't easy. Major life changes require tools for success.
Perhaps the biggest challenge (most predictable and recurring, anyway) I have faced this year is something I used to be fairly competent at: Task Prioritization. My intent with this post is not to discuss a diagnosis, mental health causes, or (many) details of my personal struggle. Today I simply want to acknowledge the reality of my challenges and share what insight I have gleaned in the hope it may help others. If you have ever felt overwhelmed with “too much to do” and found task prioritization a personal challenge, I submit you may find my tips below useful in some way. 8^)
Notes, Cautions, and Warnings
As a career aviator, I’ve been trained (programmed? forged? honed?) to think in terms of using checklists. While organizing my daily life with a thorough checklist has proven to be ineffective (perhaps a story for another time)1 I have found the concepts of Notes, Cautions, and Warnings to apply fairly well. As we have struggled with our “shift” I have found that freedom is kinda hard and needs some clear boundaries. After about a year of deliberate trial-and-error, I found a few guardrails for task prioritization in daily life and I relate them to the checklist concepts of Notes/Cautions/Warnings.
The image below defines and gives a good idea of the increasing level of seriousness or severity for these terms. Here’s my short interpretation for our topic today:
Note: Important - Keep this in mind and apply early and often as needed for pain. (Read this twice then email me in the morning. ;p )
Caution: Vital - Pay attention. When this applies, focus. If possible, step back, breathe, and reevaluate.
Warning: Emergency / Absolutely Critical - Break glass in case of emergency. Focused on #1 priority only.
When it comes to training people receive in the military, law enforcement, medicine, and many other professions, you may have heard that in times of emergencies you "fall back on your training." Well, that's kinda what I've found myself doing over the last year. Thankfully, the Air Force gave me a lot of training in mental toughness - "resilience" as they call it. I didn't appreciate it at the time. Many of us quietly mocked the training.2 Oddly enough, I've found resilience training to be particularly useful in retirement... and I've been using my training and experience in checklists for emergency situations as the most effective metaphor.
After about a year of deliberate trial-and-error, one checklist related thing I have nailed down is the following three Notes/Cautions/Warnings. Though all three apply in different ways and different situations, there is one common thread that follows directly with my aviation experience: It is important to know each of these techniques well. I’ve found that takes time, effort, and perhaps a little reflection. Having tools is neat, but it’s important to know why, when and how to use them. I will endeavor to explain the tools and highlight these five things about each:
why they exist.
recognizing when each is required
how to apply them
personal examples to illustrate my common use
the technique details
One more point: All of these techniques can and should be applied as planning tools as well. Though I will discuss them primarily as reactionary measures, application in planning to avoid predictable pitfalls can also be quite effective.
Note: I let my Dandelions Grow
This one time, in my therapist’s office, I actually shut up and listened for a brief moment. I’m not sure I stopped to actually listen. I think my therapist deftly interjected3 “I let my dandelions grow” when I stopped for a breath. It changed my life.
Why: Everything doesn’t always need to be done all at once. Perfection isn’t possible. Striving for it can be very unhealthy. Even the Air Force strives for ‘Excellence’ not ‘Perfection.’
When: When I feel my to-do list growing during the day. Noticing things that “need to be done now.”
How: Pause. Breathe. Re-Orient / Re-Focus. Calmly take the next step in the best direction.
Personal Examples: Dandelions and weeds. Sweep around the cat bowls. Rake a garden bed. Fix the car visor. Update the budget. Empty the dishwasher. All of these things are important and would be done proactively in a perfect world. None of them are typically urgent. All have their time and place.
Technique: It was early spring and everyone was excited. I wasn't. With spring comes yard work. Yard work means more daily responsibility. Yard work turns in to early mornings, physical labor, and sweat. Sure, most of these are good and healthy things... that doesn't mean I have to like them. I already had tomatoes and peppers started under lights inside and was looking forward bringing them outside for my first season growing in my new garden… but the dandelions were killin' me. I wasn't ready for the extra responsibility. Every little dandelion was one more task that I saw as an emergency. If I let those little bastards grow they would spread seeds the next day and it would just get worse and snowball from there. The yard was 'perfect' and I felt it was my duty4 to keep it that way, always. I tried. That was unhealthy.
When I realized it might be okay to just let the dandelions grow, sometimes, an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. Finding ways to apply that mindset to other areas of my life has been a fun challenge. Even limited success has been quite liberating.
Caution: Big Rocks, Little Rocks, and Sand
The Air Force taught me many things over the years. Some of them were even useful. One metaphor in particular has been instrumental in helping me keep my shit together and remain somewhat tethered to a schedule and a productive life. I used this concept frequently (and primarily) for planning or organizing purposes for many years, but I’ve recently found this is relatively effective in-the-moment as well.
Why: To accomplish your goals, you have to prioritize. Big Rocks first.
When: When your mind tries to drag you to other things away from your current or most important task. When you start getting overwhelmed with too much to do, too much to pay attention to, or too many ‘plates to spin.’
How: Pause. Breathe. Identify the “big rocks, little rocks, and sand.” Confirm you are focused in the appropriate direction and redirect if necessary. If you struggle to get on task or stay on the correct task, repeat to yourself: “Big rocks… Big rocks…”
Personal Examples: Now. While writing. "Big rocks, Terry." I just said that to myself when I thought I should go rotate the laundry. Yes, I should, and I will. But that's a little rock and it's big rock time.
The easiest comparison to my USAF career would be my first day back from leave. Like clockwork, even when I took care of everything in my ‘airspace’ before I left, the ‘AoE spam’ from ‘Big Blue’ predictably had a pile of work waiting for me before I could even load my email. Most of day one was typically spent prioritizing what to tackle and in which order. Once I learned this technique, mornings became much more manageable.
Over the last year, I frequently found myself issuing internal “big rock” reminders before lunch time. On good days it was because I was productive early and ran out of “big rocks” as planned tasks. Most days I start needing to actively refocus before lunch because I simply want to do so many things that aren’t the big rocks.
Technique: Picture a clear, empty glass jar. Beside it you see a few big rocks, a small pile of little rocks, and a bowl of sand. These represent things to do, or tasks. Your goal is to make all of them fit in the jar - or, accomplish all your tasks - or, “do all the things.” As you picture the different ways to fill the jar you realize only one way works. If you pour in the sand first, there’s no way the rocks will fit since the bottom of the jar fills up. If you put the little rocks in first, only a couple big rocks fit, but the sand pours in around the little rocks just fine. If you put the big rocks in first, the little rocks nestle in neatly among them, and the sand paints a picture as it fills in all the cracks - and everything fits.
Big Rocks are your urgent and most important things in life. Care for these first. Think: family, job, your health, a roof over your head and food on your table.
Little Rocks are the important but less urgent things in your life. Think: household chores, yard work, running errands.
Sand is the fun stuff, the “nice-to-dos,” or things that can clearly wait. More important things (big rocks and little rocks) may not fit in your life if you spend too much time playing with the sand first. This isn’t just the category for watching TV and playing video games. Though they usually belong here, those may, occasionally, qualify as rocks, especially if there are meaningful social commitments involved. Some things that can wait, should wait. Those belong here.
For 24 years task prioritization wasn’t a big problem for me. Well, it was, but I generally felt I had a decent handle on it. Checklists helped. It’s almost like when I retired my jar got dumped and I had to sort out the rocks, sweep up the sand, and fill my jar again. ;p
Warning: Glass Balls and Rubber Balls
This technique may be best pictured as a battlefield survival tactic. As a matter of fact, a retired Army guy shared this with me and it sounds rather Army-centric. This has helped me hold on to my last few threads of sanity over this last year; however, there have likely been some casualties in the form of collateral damage, and my family has taken the brunt of it. I sincerely hope, if you add this to your toolbox, this remains sharpened and at the ready, but largely unused. Perhaps imagining this as a fire axe or fire alarm handle behind glass may be another appropriate image.
Why: You can’t accomplish everything. Do the most important thing first. Sometimes, do ONLY the most important thing.
When: When you are driving and traffic is crazy or the kids are going nuts in the back seat. When you are overwhelmed. When the ‘walls are closing in.’ When a panic attack is on the horizon. When the bullets are flying over your head and all you want to do is find cover… Sometimes you take cover and return fire. Sometimes you find cover then retreat to fight again another day.
How: Pause. Breathe. Identify what is truly the #1 most important thing NOW. Do that.
Technique: Picture yourself surrounded by chaos. People are running around everywhere and rubber balls are bouncing all over the place. Amid the chaos you occasionally hear the unmistakable sound of glass shattering. You quickly realize everyone’s main goal is to catch as many balls as possible, probably not all of them, but the rare glass ones are the most important. Someone is tossing those out seemingly at random. Those are bigger than the rubber balls, and if you get one, that’s all you can carry. You need to take that to safety before you do anything else.
Rubber balls bounce. If you miss them the first time, you can go back and get them on the rebound.
Glass balls shatter. When you see a glass ball you have to catch it and carry it to safety. If a glass ball heads your way and your hands are full of rubber, too bad. Drop the rubber ball, catch the glass one, and carry it anyway. It’s yours and it’s fragile.
Personal Examples: A common example may be waking up late for work. Once the realization hits that you need to get out the door, that becomes your glass ball. Pretty much everything else suddenly becomes a rubber ball. My examples below may be a bit more intense, but they are real and illustrate where I have embraced and utilized this metaphor in the last year.
Leaving a restaurant: On a few occasions I found myself in a restaurant with my family experiencing a sudden, building, quickly irresistible urge to simply be somewhere else. This happened many times in grocery stores as well, but at least walking out of those for a quick breather didn’t impact my family.
My sanity was the glass ball I could catch, and I had to carry it outside.
December 2024 Update: I’m doing better. Inflation is thankfully(?) a better excuse to avoid restaurants than my mental health most of the time. Quiet and/or lunch times seem to be okay. Still, if it’s busy or there’s a large crowd it is still a challenge for some reason.
I wrote about my first successful evening in a later post, here: An Unexpected Evening with Neighbors
March 2025 Update: Restaurants are finally becoming do-able again. For some reason, they seem much easier to deal with on the uncommon occasions when I dine alone than when I’m with others. This is a work in progress but things are going well. :)
TSO Concert: Last Christmas we went to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. We we have done so a few times over the years but this one was different. Though I survived the line and the crowds and got to our seats, something about the environment was just too much for me to handle. It was clear there was no re-entry, so I had additional motivation to figure out how to handle the scene and stay. Perhaps that was a glass ball I dropped, because I simply couldn’t do it. Just before the concert started, I had to leave my seat. I waited in the car until it was time for me to drive us two hours home.
My sanity was the glass ball I could catch, and I had to carry it outside.
December 2024 Update: I haven’t tried a gathering of that size since then. I did okay at a high school football game a month or so ago. Not sure I’m in the mood for another shot at something with 20k+ people just yet.
My Band Concert: I waited 24 years to join a band. I probably could have joined one at times during my career, but I never would have been a regular member and I didn’t want to seem unreliable. After I retired I was ready to fully commit. I found the band here in the area before we even found our house. After rehearsing for a couple months I was ready and excited for our first concert. That day was a rough day with rubber balls flying all over the place and a couple glass ones to handle, but I did everything I could to get ready for the concert and thought I would be able to pull it off. When it was time to pick up the ‘glass ball’ of the concert, I wasn’t ready, but I thought I was. I got dressed in my black and white, packed up my horn and made it to the venue. Something changed on my way there and I simply couldn’t do it. It felt like I dropped that glass ball when I walked on stage to tell my lead trumpet player I wasn’t going to be able to perform that night. In hindsight, perhaps even that concert was really a rubber ball.
My sanity was the glass ball I could catch, and I had to carry it outside.
December 2024 Update: I played my trumpet in a Christmas concert last week. I’ve had a few others over the last year since the aborted one and all have gone well enough. Each performance has been a challenge, but they are slowly getting easier and are becoming the fun I was hoping for. :)
I don’t want to give the impression this concept should be used as an avoidance technique or a way to “run away bravely” from difficult situations. After reviewing my examples above, I fear that may be what I did. The examples above just happen to be the situations I have recently experienced where the “glass ball” technique was particularly applicable. Frankly, focusing on the road while driving a car could possibly classify as a “glass ball” but that feels more like a “big rock” to me. Quickly responding to an imminent road hazard would be a more appropriate image for a glass ball while driving.
My big take-away here is that you can’t always do everything. Sometimes there is only one thing you are capable of doing, or only one thing that truly needs to be done. When those times come, identifying the glass ball matters. Treating it like the fragile thing it is can also be important. To make things more fun, our glass balls are typically handed to us or thrown at us… not chosen at our whim at a time of our convenience.
This ended up being much longer than I anticipated. I probably could or should have broken this up in to three separate posts. I don’t know what to expect for the length of my Saturday missives going forward, but I imagine most will be a bit shorter than this one. 8^)
Though this post was about techniques, what it also did was look back and cover the time since my retirement and some of the challenges I’ve faced attempting “the shift” from Surviving to Thriving. In a way, that catches us up to today. So, next week we will take our first look at what lies ahead.
We will start with a look at the importance of empathy and a peek at the philosophy of Stoicism. I will begin with an exploration in to what I can do to address my newly discovered lack of empathy, then I’ll dig in to Stoicism a little to see what might be useful in that philosophy. I will take what I discover and expand upon the examples in the preview below to see what I can unpack, learn, and share.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for your time.
I’m already looking forward to next week.
Take care,
- jofty 8^)
If anything above sparked noteworthy thoughts, memories, or questions you wish to ask or share with me directly, free to email me, here: jofty@jofty.net 8^)
Un-[redacted] Preview: Empathy and Stoicism
I’m still finding my rhythm here. That means when and what I write, but also what you want to read. I don’t want to spam your inbox. I feel like one more short post during the week might be good... perhaps a preview for the following week?
Either way, I owe you at least the un-[redacted] sections from my preview note earlier this week, so here’s a quick look at what to expect on December 14th:
One moment something big changed was when I realized I had developed a disturbing lack of empathy. My therapist had to listen to me tell him how much I don’t need my neighbors for anything. When I replayed my words in my head later it quickly became obvious I was seriously lacking empathy.
Another thing I know I need is calm.
I always considered myself a pretty chill guy.
I realized I “had no chill”
Recently realized I “had no chill” so bad probably impacted my relationships. ;p
This video5 “resonated” with me in an odd way it never would have before I retired. (Trigger Warning and Spoiler Alert and for Inside Out 2 (2024) and depiction of a panic attack)
I don’t want to be “that guy” who’s always spun up about something.
During “the shift” realized many, many examples of me being “that guy” and finally began to understand the likely cause of puzzling ends to many acquaintances and budding friendships.
Some noteworthy occasions I experienced jealousy were when people were calm when I wanted to be and couldn’t.
Ops center move - “we’ll be the voice of calm” - I loved the idea.
Phone call with next renter of our house in Germany.
Job interview - He didn’t move a single muscle. Nothing changed, at all. … For me, it was one interview, and when I tell the story it should illustrate pretty clearly how assimilating in to my native culture has not been an easy task.
Dr. Dickhead - Embodied a lack of empathy — I should have totally hated this dude - probably only put up with it because he was an authority figure.
“dog brain”
“Just because you’re upset doesn’t mean I will be”
Exceptionally abrasive bedside manner — perhaps technique, perhaps just a dickhead - may have been exactly what I needed.
Maybe Stoicism can offer some help - both with staying calm and with empathizing?
Thank you for reading. Thank you for your feedback. Just a few comments and four votes on a poll gave me enough confidence and guidance to plan Saturday missives through the rest of this year. (Yes, that means three more. Look at me go.)
If you would like to comment on this article or just say hello here at jofty’s Corner, this button should help:
I am excited to share so much with you and need to remind myself this is a marathon and not a sprint. I’m sure we will discuss my life-long struggle with moderation at some point along our journey here. ;p
Screenshot of the Week: “philosophizer”
PASFAT - Perhaps A Story For Another Time
see also:
WWTATL - We Will Talk About That Later
I may need to implement an acronym list here… I’m resisting… barely.
I recently saw a book on Substack blithely stating something along the lines of “Resilience is dead” or “Resilience is futile.” I was unable to find it again before this publication deadline, but I would love to give the book a read and would be happy to post a link to it here as a potential counterpoint to this missive.
I must be cautious with my words here. He was smug. I can still see his face …particularly his eyebrows, which looked like they were pulled back by a hidden set of reigns. I can still hear exactly how he said it with his slight southern drawl and extra half syllable in “grow.” I did not wish to harm him in any way, so please understand the sarcasm intended when I say that was the only time I felt an urge to strike him. 8^) Reflecting upon it now, I think he knew he was hitting a bullseye. I can’t help but wonder how long he held that at the ready waiting for the right moment. Well struck, Sir. /salute
Me vs. the Dandelions:
No further content follows the video clip below. I included the video for dramatic, illustrative purposes.
The following video:
is a *SPOILER* for Disney’s Inside Out 2 (2024) (and I wouldn’t have wanted this scene spoiled before I saw it)
depicts a Panic Attack - and does so in what I believe is a fairly intense and realistic manner. This portion of the movie upset me a bit when I saw it in the theater. It did so again, thankfully to a much lesser extent, when re-watching it to include here. If you have never experienced a panic attack and wonder what one feels like, this seems like a pretty legit way to imagine one - from my perspective anyway.
* * Trigger Warning: The following clip depicts a panic attack. * *
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Spoiler Alert: This clip is a fairly important scene in Inside Out 2.
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Last Warning: I am actually serious about the trigger warning.
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Hey jofty, I too have had struggles with task management and prioritization. My story involves the battle I have with too much autonomy and flexibility. When there is not enough structure in my day or at my job, I am left frustrated to no end. Stymied would be a great word for this or the feeling of defeat.
In my last job with the churches, I learned that there are folks out there who thrive in environments without direction or SOPs (I *love* SOPs); some people don't mind and even *prefer* to meander aimlessly down the road. If there is no SOP, I'll create one. My frustration with the lack of direction or procedure in my last job drove me to resign.
Who knows if we're trained, programmed, forged, honed (indoctrinated?), as you mention - perhaps all of these. But my military service has shaped my brain. Thankfully, our brains remain moldable throughout time (neuroplasticity), and I am wondering now...do I work hard to retrain my brain, or simply create an environment for myself and find a job for myself where my brain doesn't have to work so hard?
Or, is it a mix of both? I believe we are among many with these questions for sure!