Stoicism and Empathy - from a Recovering Military Mindset
What are Empathy and Stoicism? Can understanding them aid recovery from military service? Can they help with PTSD or other trauma? Where do they belong and how do they matter in modern society?
I’ll save you the trouble now — you will not find answers to all these questions in this missive. I do think we serve that direction, though. 8^)
Have you ever heard someone say: “I don’t need your Empathy” ?
What about: “I don’t need your Sympathy.” ?
Empathy sounds like a good thing. Sympathy does too. I wasn’t so sure about Stoicism when I started researching. I’ve heard people and expressions referred to as “stoic” but I only recently discovered Stoicism is also a philosophy.
I think this will be the last “deep” or "emotional” topic this year. I’m hopeful the overall subject of my Saturday missives becomes a little more practical in the new year and my plan for the next couple weeks is to do my take on some possibly cliché topics of looking back at this year and looking forward to next. I’ll probably take a debrief and mission planning approach, so at least that may be unique. I may even throw in SMART goals just for fun. ;p
However, today we will dive deep and possibly get a little emotional, so…
If you, my dear reader, are one of the few brave souls choosing to forge ahead, buckle up. This one’s going to be a bumpy ride. 8^)
Quick Links:
Definitions:
I want to, or think I need to start with some definitions. I took a few days to figure out how and where I wanted to get started myself. Here are a few terms I think will help establish a baseline for what we will discuss today.
empathy - the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of another:
sympathy - the act or state of feeling sorrow or compassion for another
compassion - a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
stoic - characterized by a calm, austere fortitude befitting the Stoics, especially in the face of trouble or loss; not giving in to one’s emotions
Stoicism -
a systematic philosophy, dating from around 300 b.c., that held the principles of logical thought to reflect a cosmic reason instantiated in nature.
(lowercase) conduct conforming to the precepts of the Stoics, as repression of emotion and indifference to pleasure or pain.
“toxic person” - for terms of this discussion, I am considering my military indoctrination as a toxic person in my life. Of the 11 things on the list in the link, I could make a solid argument the military does 10 of those very well and most of them are by design and necessity. If you hear “toxic person” in a video, think: “military mindset”.
It may be in the best interest of military discipline and doctrine to reinforce ideas of sympathy and compassion; however, it seems true empathy is antithetical to the military mindset of the average Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine, and maybe even Guardian. Fostering A ‘strong desire to alleviate the suffering’ of others makes sense, but ‘vicarious[ly] experiencing’ the emotions of your enemy as you set about bringing their demise may not be ideal in the vast majority of cases.
This may be a big part of the reason why assimilating back to civilian life can be such a challenge for veterans.
Sympathy vs Empathy
Understanding the difference between Sympathy and Empathy is important. This video illustrates the concept fairly well.
“Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.
Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
Bottom line: Empathy is like standing with someone and feeling their pain. Sympathy is a more compassionate response because it implies a desire to alleviate their suffering. Sympathy and compassion do not imply empathy.
Article #1 - How to Emotionally Detach
This video was one of the first I watched to get started. I will share a few reactions below.
The video mentions a “cycle of attachment” and says “detaching doesn’t mean you stop caring, it means you’re assigning the proper weight to things outside your control.”
It also explains an example with kites. Holding on too tight puts you at the mercy of the wind.
At 2:24, the video asks a question: “What are you attached to? Are you seeking validation or afraid of loneliness?” I personally really enjoy being alone, so loneliness isn’t something I typically struggle with often, though I do on occasion. I have however been programmed to expect constant validation. That is probably one of my biggest targets for self improvement. That also doesn’t seem to go well with spending so much time alone. ;p
After I retired this question was posed to me in a few forms: Who’s validation are you seeking? Who are you trying to impress? Why does this seem important to you? At the end of the day, I think it basically all comes back to seeking validation in general - perhaps because I crave ‘someone’s’ approval - but certainly because for 24 years I was programmed to expect it. I knew everything I did was documented and frequently cross-checked - especially my last four years.
Constant validation (positive or negative) is simply what I expect. Hmmm…
Learning to relax about things outside my control is a fun challenge. One line in the video says: “Strive for excellence but don’t hinge your self-worth on the results.” Well, I’m really used having results to see. That’s not the case in my house day to day. Or, perhaps more to the point, do I let my lack of visible progress on large projects resonate internally as negative feedback?
Article #2 - Stoic Warriors
Many names popped up as I looked for examples of individuals in history who would qualify as “Warrior Philosophers.” Rather than discuss any specifically I chose to share some quotes from a fascinating article. Going into any depth on this myself here is far beyond the scope I could cover this week, so here it is if you’re interested in a deeper dive.
Stoic Warriors: The Ancient Philosophy Behind the Military Mind
https://www.carnegiecouncil.org/media/series/39/20060222-stoic-warriors-the-ancient-philosophy-behind-the-military-mind
The 2006 article is from the Carnegie Council for Ethics in International Affairs. The podcast is an hour long and the transcript is also on the page for quick reference.
Some have argued that there is a growing gap between the culture of military service and its ethos of service before self, and our civilian culture, which focuses on individual flourishing and material self-interest. - Rosenthal
The host, Joel Rosenthal, sets up the conversation well by framing it as a gap or contrast between military service and civilian culture.
The midshipman is in an environment where he can't control a lot of things. He doesn't quite square the corners of his bed or his shoes aren't quite up to snuff in the shine; or he has to salute but doesn't respect in any way the person in the uniform that he is saluting, he salutes the rank but not the person. He has to suck it up and say, "There are some things in my control, other things not in my control. I must constrict my agency to where I can make a difference." It is a very natural kind of survival skill. - Sherman
I think the midshipman example is precisely how I survived many, many things through my military career.
So Stoicism is this test of mastery, a test against your own personal best, you might say, which is very, very appealing to the military mind. I wouldn't say it's a doctrine of resignation, but it's a doctrine of "push the boundaries of your agency as far as you can go and then know that you have done your best." That is the blessing it confers.
Any solider wants to think of himself as invulnerable, or as the least vulnerable kind of person, in battle. It is a kind of silver bullet for resilience. But the danger is that you might think you are bulletproof. I really think this is a danger. - Sherman
‘Boundaries of your agency’ … yeah, this might be hitting the target.
Professor Sherman closes with this:
Seneca ends on anger, saying, "Let us cultivate humanity." I really believe very, very firmly that, as a nation that will probably be involved in military engagements for some time to come, we need to be able to train our troops, when they go to war, when they are in war, and when they come home, in a manner such that they will not lose their humanity as a result of the experience of war. That is, I think, what we all should be committed to. - Sherman
For me, that’s what it’s all about right now. Keeping my humanity, as Professor Sherman suggested. That seems a bit extreme, but it’s not a bad way to describe the struggle I’ve been facing this last year or two.1
From my perspective - she ‘gets it.’ She understood my struggle today very well back in 2006. I can’t help but wonder, and I’m simply not going to open that can of worms today, what kind of impact Sherman’s work had on shaping the training I received over the last 18 years or the care I receive now.
Personal Insight
Researching this topic has been quite a ride. One week to research and write this was only sufficient for a very surface level peek in to a web of deeper discussions.
I picked this topic because I wanted to address two of the most pressing challenges in my life today - trying to relate to people and stay calm in general.
I will say this: I did not expect my research this week to be so adjacent to “how to deal with toxic people.” In fairness, I didn’t realize that’s kinda how I’ve grown to perceive most people around me now. It’s probably a good thing I’m working on this. 8^D
After spending some time digging into the concepts of Empathy and Stoicism I feel I just got started. I did not find any true essence or most important nugget or specific key to applying them to my life or to making it better for those around me. I did, however, learn a few things. In hindsight, I can gain some insight as to how I can interact with people more in line with how I want to do so.
I’ve been feeling for years that I was somehow pulling away from my friends and my peers. It was probably around 2014 when I first realized I simply wasn’t interested in the same things most people around me were. Perhaps these were my first steps the wrong direction on my favorite VA poster: “Mind Full vs Mindful”.
I’m not sure why that started happening. The cumulative effect of so many deployments probably didn’t help. Either way, over the next few years I occasionally noticed my perceived separation becoming more pronounced. However, I didn’t think much of it because I always had a clear and present reason to blame for it: promotion to the SNCO tier, assignment as a first sergeant, a year off flight status fighting potential career ending medical issues, a two-year work assignment physically separated from my squadron, moving overseas, shift work in a windowless dungeon, working amongst international colleagues, living in a remote foreign location without speaking the language very well, lockdowns that made the worst in the US look tame…
However, through all of that, I never really felt completely detached from people around me. It was nine months after I retired and we had settled in to our new home before I had an important revelation. One moment something big changed was when I realized I had developed a disturbing lack of empathy. My therapist had to listen to me tell him how much I don’t need my neighbors for anything. When I replayed my words in my head that night it quickly became obvious I was seriously lacking empathy.
It’s not like I don’t have empathy. Frankly, I think I’m generally a fairly empathetic person. I think the biggest issue I have is that my gut reaction or instinctual feeling about pretty much everything is not toward empathy. I have some theories. One is that my last job made me think of everything as friend/enemy/neutral. It may be a stretch, but I learned to basically ignore anything neutral, assume that “friend” meant we shared a lot of ideas, goals, and rather potent ways to employ or enforce them, and “enemy” or “suspect” as something to remain constantly (maybe not “hyper”) vigilant about.
Another thing I know I need is calm. I always considered myself a pretty chill guy. I felt everyone generally took things too seriously and I’ve always tried to relax and “chill out.” Apparently I kept trying because I never succeeded. I just recently realized I “have no chill.” ;p
It’s probably so bad and has been for so long that it likely impacted my relationships over the years. I can think of times at parties, small gatherings, occasional work conversations… many times where people around me seemed unusually worked up or anxious… and I just recently realized perhaps in some, or many cases they were simply reflecting my own anxiety.
I’ll save the story for another time2, but an important point for today is that I experienced the first panic attack of my life in the spring of 2023 just a few months before I retired. It took me about a year after that before I came to the realization that my anxiety issue had been brewing3 for a long time.
The first time I saw the following clip I was in the movie theater. It made me rather uncomfortable.
The second time I saw it was to review it before adding it to this article. It was still moving, but not nearly as intense as the first time. The entire movie, but this scene in particular, helped me come to the realization that I walk around like a nervous wreck quite often ... and I have been doing so for quite a while. The thing is, now that I know what I’m up against, I can fight against it.
I can win this fight. :)
Spoiler Alert: This clip is a fairly important scene in Inside Out 2 (2024).
Trigger Warning: This clip depicts a panic attack.
vvv —— Inside Out 2 Spoiler discussion below this line —— vvv
In this example, Joy takes Anxiety away from the panel and out of the storm. At first I thought the most important lessons to learn here were that Joy was the anti-Anxiety or that Anxiety implies a lack of Joy. While those ideas seem to have merit, I think the more important thing is that Anxiety let go - but could not do so while completely alone.
The world kept spinning. Anxiety was still frozen amidst the chaos. The only thing Anxiety actually did was let go of the controls. I believe it wouldn’t matter who walked into the cloud. Once Anxiety realized one person was brave and strong enough to enter the storm and stand with empathy, it was finally possible to let go. At that point, anyone standing there could drag them both out.
^^^ — Inside Out 2 Spoiler discussion above this line — ^^^
When I saw this scene in the theater, it “resonated” with me in an odd way it never would have until relatively recently. I don’t want to be “that guy” who’s always spun up about something. Walking around anxious all the time isn’t good for me or anyone around me.
During “the shift” I realized many examples of me being “that guy.” I finally began to understand the likely cause of puzzling ends to many acquaintances and budding friendships. It’s not just about panic attacks. By simply walking around anxious I’ve been radiating an aura of discomfort and unease. I’ve been largely oblivious to this for quite some time and now it has become almost painfully clear. I’m starting to recognize anxiety in others and learning how to foster a calm response to it.
This missive is not about jealousy, but it deserves a solid mention here because it directly ties in to my need for calm. Slowing down for a little proper reflection with a brief taste of solitude, I have finally noticed some noteworthy occasions on which I experienced jealousy when people were calm - specifically when I wanted to be and I couldn’t.
When I worked in a Current Operations Center I had an awesome boss and he said: “we will be the voice of calm” in our office as the squadron went through a very busy time. I loved the idea, but I couldn’t participate in the “calm” part. Most people in the office were DNIF4 but I remained an active flyer with weekly training sorties and occasional TDYs and deployments. I remember noting it odd that I felt distinctly jealous of the relative calm my office colleges enjoyed while I kept running around like a chicken with my head cut off. In fairness, I’m sure they likely would have much rather been flying and deploying, but that’s not the point here. ;p
Before we left Germany this last time I had a chance to speak to the individual who rented our house after we left. During the phone call he was at work doing something where he could talk in short spurts. He was chatting with me asking important questions about the house when he was able, but he was frequently being pulled away. He somehow managed to keep coming back and picking up right where he left off. At the end of the call I remember feeling jealous that he was able to multitask in that way. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but now I think it was because he had the ability to remain calm while having his attention yanked away from him. I should have been able to handle what he was doing fairly easily, but at the time I noticed that would not have been possible.
I had an epic job interview this year, but the juicy details are for another time5. What matters is that when I pulled the letter from my jacket pocket and laid it upon the table, the CEO didn’t so much as twitch. He didn’t move a single muscle. Not one. Nothing changed, at all. At that moment I was jealous of his calm, his stoicism. I don’t want to be a stone statute all the time, but I want to be able to dial up the stoicism when I want or need it.
Dr. Dickhead — This f—’in’ guy. He embodied a lack of empathy. I should have totally hated this dude but I was probably only able to put up with his shenanigans because he was an authority figure, and because I was in an oddly rational mood. I haven’t seen him again but I have a short series of appointments with him starting in January. I look forward to letting you know how that goes. 8^)
Early in our visit he said: “Just because you’re upset doesn’t mean I will be.” I totally didn’t get it at the time, probably because I was in an oddly rational mood. I’m not even sure I was actually upset (or showing it) when I walked in, but he started our encounter letting me know I was upset and he wasn’t going to be. I found that odd, and somewhat upsetting. ;p I think part of his intent may have been to help me realize that the shit going on in my head is actually going on only in my head6.
I was there to discuss my recent mental health challenges and he used the term “dog brain” to label their root cause or origin. He was basically referring to my lack of emotional control as coming from a core part of my physiology - survival instinct, genes, etc… That certainly sounds right, and his framing of it that way did confirm my thoughts and help me figure out more effective ways to combat unwanted emotional responses.
He had an exceptionally abrasive bedside manner. Given his specialty in behavioral health, it may have been a deliberate technique. Perhaps he is just a dickhead. Either way, his “bedside manner” may have been exactly what I needed.
Final 10 Takeaways
When I initially proposed exploring this topic, I wrote this:
Maybe Stoicism can offer some help - both with staying calm and with empathizing?
After some research and thought, I think Stoicism can certainly offer help with staying calm. As for the empathizing part, I think it’s there, but I may have to dig deeper to find the solid or resonating connection.
I feel almost lazy writing my final takeaways here… because I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface. I can see why studying Stoicism and Empathy can be a lifelong pursuit.
As of the initial publishing of this article on, 14 Dec 24, I believe:
Empathy and Stoicism are both, in their own ways, keys to living a more happy life with more fulfilling social interactions.
The distinctions between Empathy and Sympathy are important.
Sympathy is generally far less well received than Empathy.
Perhaps it is possible to have too much Compassion, specifically if paired with not enough Empathy (or too much Sympathy.)
Understanding Stoicism is a process not a destination. 7 Loosely paraphrased:
The obstacle is the way.
Adversity is Opportunity.
Life is not what happens to us it is how we respond to it.
Perhaps I had a fairly solid mastery on some form of Stoicism throughout my career: sitting on a tennis court while my son won a pinewood derby 10 minutes down the road, endlessly staring at a clock waiting for the late hours of night shift to tick by, counting down the hours remaining before you hear “RTB” to know your work day has only six hours left to go, or cheering “Happy New Year!” six different times on the same flight (while saluting the sparkly Christmas tree we may have ‘borrowed from our commander’s office)… like the midshipman example above.
If I could just find a way to apply some of those techniques to my daily civilian life… without going through life treating it like the military… I might be on to something.
Going forward, I will probably search specifically for techniques for practical application in moments of intense emotion.
So, remember, if it's something that is not up to you, say to yourself, "It's nothing to me. It's an indifferent, and it doesn't matter."
"It's not in my power to worry about this. I have to let this go. But that I signed on to do a good job is within the sphere of things that I can control, that I can handle." ((I somehow misplaced the source of this quote during my editing and will need to fix the glitch))
”That I can handle" is the important part. I have to remember to accept the things I cannot change.I don’t feel I addressed empathy enough. Did I somehow manage to almost avoid it entirely while writing this article? Did I miss a the final tie in? If I got to ‘Empathy>Sympathy>Compassion’ did I get to ‘Empathy = social lubricant / better conversations with other humans?’ Did I connect Empathy and Stoicism?8
Stoics appear to treat Anger much like recovering from addiction. “Just don’t get angry today.” “Take it one day at a time.” My struggle with Anxiety and Empathy feels a lot like a struggle with addiction. Today I will remain calm. Today I will be a more empathetic person than I was yesterday.
Maybe I should just take it One Day At A Time.
Next Week (and the rest of the year)
After getting this Substack publication off the ground and starting to find a writing rhythm, I am looking forward to seeing where we go from here! I think there are ways to take what we’ve started and turn this in to a publication people look forward to reading each week.
That being said, I think a longer term sustainable pace is likely going to involve frankly a few fewer words per week than I’ve been averaging so far. For the next couple weeks I plan to throttle back a little, take a look “around the jet,” and figure out what course to set next. Some things you may see over the next two weeks:
A recap of my personal goals for 2024. Debrief on what plans I had and what actually happened.
A plan for my personal goals in 2025 (to include a brief refresher on SMART goals, because, of course)
Reader votes for future topics: so you can help steer the direction of our conversation
Book Title - announcement? vote?
Plans for this publication - likely site “re-brand” (to align with book title and make more sense here on Substack), paid content thoughts, possible second publication for shorter, more frequent posts?
Podcast or Voiceovers - I’ve been contemplating recording a podcast and may test an idea or two here on Substack. I also want to go back and add voiceovers to the missives that don’t have them yet. We’ll see if any of those actually happen. ;p
Regardless of anything else, in 2025 I fully intend to keep my promise to you, my dear reader:
I will post something every Saturday. I will even endeavor to make it worth your time.
Thanks for coming along for the ride. I hope you enjoyed today’s missive and have a pleasant rest of your weekend.
Take care,
- jofty 8^)
This scene from Soldier (1998) illustrates my personal struggle in one of the most poignant ways I have found. I enjoyed this movie before I joined the service and its impact on and meaning to me has evolved over the years. Watching the movie again recently, this scene struck a chord and reminded me I am still just starting on the long road to recovery from my service. While I’m not quite “this bad,” the scene is a faint reflection of where I’m coming from with my recently developed lack of empathy.
After a week of research, I feel this scene best demonstrates my inability to relax because I haven’t recovered enough from my service, yet.
Pro Tip: Novocaine is often used in conjunction with epinephrine (adrenaline). So, if you’re at the dentist and get unusually anxious, it might not be just because you dislike dentists. They may have given you a little epinephrine. Apparently dentists tend to have viable, epi-free alternatives available if you ask. :) It helped me a ton!
healthline article - https://www.healthline.com/health/how-long-does-novocaine-last#howlong-it-lasts
I am not a doctor. I don’t play one on TV. This is not medical advice.
I brew beer. I used to, anyway. 99 batches, as a matter of fact. 8^)
DNIF - Duties Not to Include Flying. As an aviator, something as simple as a cold can keep you from doing your job. (If you’ve ever flown with any head congestion you probably know exactly what I mean.) In the context of this Operations Center job, a large portion of the office staff was assigned to that specific office due to their projected status to be long-term DNIF. This meant they could be a more stable team since the standard tempo of deployments and daily training flights would not empty the office half the time or reduce their manning below functional levels on any regular basis. This allowed them to be a rare island of calm and keep a steady pace, particularly when our squadron was going through a very busy time.
As I understand, it is common for people to apply for many jobs, interview repeatedly, and in general expect to spend far more time and energy job searching than desired. For me, it was three applications and one interview. When I tell the story it should illustrate pretty clearly how assimilating into my native culture has not been an easy task. I concluded that experience with a lengthy email (surprise! ;^p ) to the career councilor who arranged the job fair and was helping me find work. I’m still debating if I should share that email in full or part, but I think I’ll make that call when/if I write the story of “The Interview.”
I think part of his intent may have been to help me realize the shit going on in my head is actually going on only in my head. It is real. But it’s my fight, not his. Shall we go back to: ‘There are many like it but this one is mine.’ ?
This 3-minute explanation seems like a good place to start. I wish I’d have found this five days sooner. ;^P
Perhaps the most effective way I might connect Empathy and Stoicism is by slowing down and attempting to truly empathize. The first 45 seconds of this video quickly provide plentiful opportunities to learn from empathy.
So many things I truly appreciated in this post...especially your story of feeling jealous -- over how a person could stay calm in what could be a frustrating situation (it would be for me!). I commend you on being honest and asking, "What are these feelings telling me?"
My attention is always being pulled in multiple directions as if I were swimming in a society built on that model. If I am not careful, I end up exhausted at the end of the day. So tired. And then I remember that my human brain has not evolved to handle such high levels of stimuli and/or information. On top of that, I'm awful at multi-tasking anyway.
It's interesting how you can tap into empathy or stoicism "modes?" when you feel you need one or the other. What do you think led you to these two concepts? Instinct, intelligence, emotion, or a combination?
Your comments about how empathy might not be the best thing for a soldier to practice ring true; we see and hear violent and disturbing things, and we have to shield ourselves, use dark humor, enter into denial, etc. But losing one's humanity is a *serious* question and one in need of exploration - especially for those who are serving or who have served in the military.
Here is a clip from a semi-well-known movie that I've been thinking about as I read your posts - in homage to all the perfect selections you've embedded throughout. Peace.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qiDuHCKSc8
I appreciate a lot of what you're unpacking here. I've been exploring my own inner world recently, and it can be tough. I'm finding that as a man in today's society it's especially challenging to work through my emotions, considering the role society tends to place on us (men don't cry, displaying emotion is a weakness, etc.). Thank you for having the courage to publicly explore your inner challenges, and I wish you the best.