Closing Loops and Setting the Table
Proof of Life and Prep for a Deep Dive on Empathy and Stoicism
Closing Loops
My apologies. I need to learn to close loops better here. :)
I told you I was “speaking from an upright and standing [position]” and that I would be discussing mental health topics here from a “debrief” or “lessons learned” perspective. I believe my technique deviated from that expectation in my previous post - and that was not my intent. I’m still finding my voice, and believe it may have waivered a bit last week on that point. I took a breath, reevaluated, and would now like to finish my thought. :)
There is a time and a place for a good cliffhanger. I’m looking forward to having some occasional fun with them here. Mental health (especially of any actual, currently living person) is not something intend to use as any type of literary device or clickbait tool. So, in case I inadvertently left you with any lingering concern for my wellbeing with my ineloquently chosen Glass Ball examples on Saturday — I’m okay — and I’ll work on my delivery. ;p
These should close the loop on said examples from my Notes, Cautions, Warnings (NCW) post:
My Band Concert - I played my trumpet in a Christmas concert last week. I’ve had a few others over the last year since the aborted one and all have gone well enough. Each performance has been a challenge, but they are slowly getting easier and are slowly becoming the fun I was hoping for. :)
Restaurants - I’m doing better. Inflation is thankfully(?) a better excuse to avoid restaurants than my mental health most of the time. Quiet and/or lunch times seem to be okay. Still, if it’s busy or there’s a large crowd it remains a challenge for some reason.
TSO - I haven’t tried a gathering of that size since then. I did okay at a high school football game a month or so ago. Not sure I’m in the mood for another shot at something with 20k+ people just yet.
In case you are curious - I added these updates to the original article so future readers will have a less jarring experience. :)
Setting the Table
Researching this topic has been quite a ride. One week to research and write this was only sufficient for a very surface level peek in to a web of deeper discussions.
Looking forward to Saturday — it might be a(nother) long post. I will try to set the table today because I bit off a LOT more than I thought I did; I am good at that.
I should have at least started the research before essentially writing my hypothesis and announcing my intention to dive in. My therapist suggested there are people who spend a lifetime trying to understand Empathy and Stoicism. Figures. I get to pick my own topic1 for a change and where do I start? Right there. And I give myself a week to figure it out before writing a f---ing public essay on it. Good job, jofty. Let’s go. ;p
The first thing I noticed was a lot of potentially AI generated content. The second thing I noticed was a frequent reference to toxic people, typically how to treat them or survive them. The third thing I noticed was a lot of content adjacent to this subject could pull me down rabbit holes quickly2… but I digress. Sorting through the chaos and trying to stay focused to address the questions and examples I posed last week has been an interesting challenge.
Definitions
I want to, or think I need to start with some definitions. I took a few days to figure out how and where to get started myself. Here are a few terms and a couple short videos I think are good to establish baselines for what I decided to discuss with you this coming Saturday.
empathy - the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of another:
sympathy - the act or state of feeling sorrow or compassion for another
compassion - a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
stoic - characterized by a calm, austere fortitude befitting the Stoics, especially in the face of trouble or loss; not giving in to one’s emotions
Stoicism -
a systematic philosophy, dating from around 300 b.c., that held the principles of logical thought to reflect a cosmic reason instantiated in nature.
(lowercase) conduct conforming to the precepts of the Stoics, as repression of emotion and indifference to pleasure or pain.
“toxic person” - for terms of this discussion, I am typically considering my military indoctrination3 as the toxic person in my life. Of the 11 things on the list at the link, I could make a solid argument the military does 10 of those very well and most of them are by design and necessity.
Illustration #1 - Empathy vs Sympathy
Understanding the difference between Empathy and Sympathy is important. This video illustrates the concept fairly well.
“Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.
Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
Illustration #2 - How to Emotionally Detach
Here’s another video I will also reference on Saturday. I think it may be best to consider parts of my military indoctrination as the “someone” or “toxic person” in my personal life … however a better definition may be in order.
“detaching doesn’t mean you stop caring, it means you’re assigning the proper weight to things outside your control”
Learning to relax about things outside my control has been and continues to be a fun challenge. 8^)
Illustration #3 - Stoic Warriors
I also looked for examples of individuals in history who would qualify as “Warrior Philosophers.” Many names popped up, but rather than mention any here I will provide a link to a fascinating article. Going into any depth on this myself here is far beyond the scope I could cover this week, so here it is if you’re interested in a deeper dive.
The 2006 article is from the Carnegie Council for Ethics in International Affairs and I may reference it a bit. The podcast is an hour long and the transcript is also on the page as well.
“Stoic Warriors: The Ancient Philosophy Behind the Military Mind”
Some have argued that there is a growing gap between the culture of military service and its ethos of service before self, and our civilian culture, which focuses on individual flourishing and material self-interest.
Preview Wrap-Up - Empathy and Sympathy
I will say this: I did not expect my research this week to be so adjacent to “how to deal with toxic people.” In fairness, I didn’t realize that’s kinda how I’ve grown to perceive most people around me now. It’s probably a good thing I’m working on this. 8^D
All that said, I’m not sure how much I’ll be doing previews on topics this deep again! I like my cans of worms closed and still at the store, thank you. I gotta get back to writing… Saturday looms. ;p
One Final Loop to Close
What I mean by “lack of empathy”
It’s not like I don’t have empathy. Frankly, I think I’m generally a fairly empathetic person. I think the biggest issue I have is that my gut reaction or instinctual feeling about pretty much everything does not default toward empathy. I think it used to. I think it probably should. I have some theories. One is that my last job made me think of everything as friend/enemy/neutral. It may be a stretch, but I learned to basically ignore anything neutral, assume that “friend” meant we shared a lot of ideas, goals, and rather potent ways to employ or enforce them, and “enemy” or “suspect” as something to remain constantly (maybe not “hyper”) vigilant about.
It’s not that I see my fellow man with malice, just perhaps unintentional and somewhat radical indifference. The “friend” category isn’t translating well yet because I still haven’t figured out what goals and ideals I do share with my neighbors, or more specifically, how they translate to simple social lubricant. When the “neutral” doesn’t fit in nicely as a “friend” perhaps I’m defaulting to “suspect” or “hostile” perceptions too quickly.
… and that should set the table for our discussion on Empathy and Stoicism this Saturday. 8^)
I hope you have a pleasant end to your week. As always, I love to hear your thoughts, so send me an email: jofty@jofty.net or leave a comment below!
I look forward to sharing more about this fascinating topic with you on Saturday.
Take care,
- jofty 8^)
You see, according to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy.
Because I like to think, I like to read.
I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice.
I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs with the side order of gravy fries?"
I want high cholesterol.
I wanna eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese, okay?
I wanna smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section.
I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine.
Why?
Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal?
I've seen the future.
Do you know what it is?
It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Mayer Wiener."
You live up top, you live Cocteau's way: what he wants, when he wants, how he wants.
Your other choice: come down here... and maybe starve to death.
Spartan: So why don’t you take charge and lead these people outta here?
Friendly: I’m no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes people come with me.
I had not considered writing a missive about “solitude” yet, but I may, after watching this video I found during my research this week. I have been craving solitude and “peace” in some form for a long time and this video really hit home. I have the most conducive environment for both right now I’ve had in a very long time, if ever. This video gave me some ideas about how I could be using this time to recharge, refocus, and rebuild. (I can’t help but wonder if this what ‘some people’ meant when they talked about returning from a long weekend (or a two week holiday break) ready to ‘hit the ground running.’ Yeah… I never really liked those people.)
I may need to come back to this, but want to share it now since it is almost relevant to today’s topic.
Here’s the first line in the video description:
Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? Imagine a man, surrounded by noise and chatter, yet radiating an unshakeable calm. His secret? He's found strength in solitude. In a world that pushes constant connection, this video challenges you to see the power of being alone. It's not about isolation, but about finding your inner voice amidst the noise.
Military Indoctrination may be my “toxic person” I need to distance myself from and learn to recover from.