Why write about Empathy? A warrior's attempt to weave a tapestry of healing.
Crafting a header for a tapestry is like pouring a foundation for what comes next.
/// This is an entry in the "War to Writing" series. 'W2W' chronicles noteworthy experiences of my Air Force career and retirement until writing on Substack in November of 2024. ///
This 'newsletter' does not follow the more commonly found patterns around Substack. I am writing a book, slowly, publicly, and for the first time.
As I figure out how to do this, sometimes I'll write about the process. 8^)
When I first stared writing on Substack, I said:
I don't know exactly what this will be, but I will start by telling my story.
I still don't know what my Substack work will look like in a year or two or further down the road, but for now, to start, I need to tell my story.
I need to write a book or two - ‘War to Writing’ and ‘Curiosities in the Chaos’
For now, this is my project.
As my vision for this project clarifies in my mind, I can share more details of the plan with you.
Today we’ll do a little walk-and-talk about Empathy as we pour the ‘War to Writing’ section of the foundation and discuss threads in the tapestry of life. :)
Why do I write about Empathy?
A Tapestry
Pouring a Foundation - Weaving a Header
The Threads
What’s Next?
Why do I write about Empathy?
I write about empathy because I lack it.
More precisely, I don't wield empathy naturally or well.
There may be reasons for this I am either unwilling or have yet to explore or have never considered until relatively recently. I’ve always felt ‘different.’ Not special or unique, like… truly somehow different from everyone around me.
For many reasons, I've always struggled to understand what other people really want and need - in general. I think that makes empathy an extra challenge.
It's not that I don't have "enough" empathy, though that is frequently part of it. (I discussed some impact of my military service on my capacity for empathy in my invisible wounds article.)
The recurring challenge is that my attempts at empathy are rarely received as I hope or intend, and it’s high time I figured that out.
A Tapestry
I explained how the war in Ukraine may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back regarding my capacity for empathy. Upon recent reflection, I think I've had empathy issues in some form or another for quite some time, maybe most of my life.
A few months after I retired, I found myself at one of the lowest points of my recovery. Every day was a raging battle inside my head by 0900. I've probably been fortunate not to have any significant challenges with violence, but there was a time when I got near that line almost every morning.
As I wrested daily to make sense of the world and untangle the mess that had formed in my head, I found myself identifying key events in my life that seemed intertwined or interwoven.
The events felt like threads in the tapestry of my life.
As I pulled on one, another would pop out, then another. As I kept pulling, I saw the events and threads grew older and older, slowly back to my childhood. I slowly realized many of them were related - frequently by empathy.
Empathy is a theme that binds many threads in my life, in ways I’ve never started to appreciate.
Call it innate naïveté, perhaps I'm somewhere on the spectrum, maybe it's some mix of a savior complex with a touch of imposter syndrome… I am not a doctor. ADHD probably plays a role somewhere.
Whatever it is, these things seem relevant:
A few odd personality traits I brought to the Air Force were exacerbated by my service over my career and repeated deployments. That led to a greater chance the Ukraine war would leave me with lingering challenges.
The introspective journey I've undertaken in response the war and my career has opened my eyes to things about myself I may have otherwise remained oblivious to indefinitely.
As I work through my PTSD and other self-realization issues, I'm going to accept and understand (rather than try to "fix" or "adjust") some parts of myself. That will likely be good for everyone around me… and is long overdue.
It may take me longer to recalibrate than I thought. 8^)
I’ve heard recovering from burnout can take two years or more. Let’s hope writing can speed up that process a little. ;p
Pouring a Foundation - Weaving a Header
While pouring a foundation is an appropriate metaphor for building a house, weaving a header for a tapestry is probably a more accurate image for writing a book.
Most of what I've published so far seems to be the header for "Curiosities in the Chaos." When I outline that book, you may recognize many of the themes or chapters as missives already posted here.
Most of what has been slowly growing in my draft folder seems to be weaving a header for "War to Writing.” That may become a more frequent focus area for missives going forward.
As I pull on threads it’s like I unpack my life one important, unprocessed event at a time. As they end up in my drafts folder, most of them seem to belong in W2W.
Some were mistakes I made and just discovered the impact I had on others. Also peppered in there have been many ends to friendships that started to make sense in light of a few of those mistakes with new realizations.
I recalled quite a few events based on short personal interactions: an odd response in a quick chat and a couple texts that derailed a conversation or a friendship.
Understanding what people expect from me has always been a struggle. Perhaps that's why a military career made so much sense. Expectations were typically pretty fucking clear. Empathy was not usually required, and, arguably generally discouraged.
In the latter part of my career I had a 4-part job interview. At the time, I thought only one of those events were seen as an interview, but I'm certain my commander saw all four that way. As I look at who he saw on our few occasions of conversation, I wouldn't have hired me either, but that’s a story for another time. Bottom line, if I’d have had a little proper empathy, he may have seen a more hire-able me, while still being just as authentic. ;p
The Threads
As threads in the header become more clear, I begin to see a picture of the tapestry that will be ‘War to Writing.’
Each of these short stories below contain little bits of feedback from curious places. They are threads I unraveled in the deeper part of my struggles that seem important to examine as I move forward.
While I am not promising any or all of these stories will become missives, many of these probably will at some point. :)
Common threads that bind them:
Lesson learned about Empathy
I would have handled them better or differently “if I knew then what I know now”
Had lingering impact on my future self that ties to my current struggles.
"The Terry Wave"
I made a lot of core memories in high school band. I fit the standard 1st chair trumpet stereotype pretty well. Now, in my 40s, I’m still learning about that time in my life examining it from a very different perspective.
"The Great Mall Breakout"
Running from “authorities” is memorable and instructive … especially when you and your dad broke out of the nursing home in electric wheelchairs and took off to the mall.
"Naïveté Interview"
The first time I heard that word used to describe me was in 2007. That I was naïve was the main point of feedback from an odd job interview. The feedback was insightful and refreshing, and I still haven't figured it all out yet.
"The Great Pumpkin Campout"
Sometimes, 'Managing Expectations' is absolutely vital. Also, communicating missed expectations poorly can leave lasting impacts on those with whom you miscommunicate.
"The Brewery Tour"
What should have been an amazing day of fun with friends after returning from another deployment cost me more than I realized. 10 years later, I'm still trying to figure out wtf happened, but a little empathy may have gone a long way.
"Two Exceptions to my General Rule"
I’ve said here that one thing special about the military was the general rule that we were all on the same team — when it mattered — for the mission. That was not the case when it came to career development.
"No one cares more about your career than you do" is a very true phrase.
One of my bosses clearly and deliberately torpedoed what would have been a stellar annual performance report. Another boss chose deliberate inaction (as did I) for the following annual report. I assumed he would do his job, and I gave him far too much credit when I chose not to 'bother' him on the day he needed to sign it.
Once again, a little properly placed empathy could have gone a long way.
SNCOA - Senior Non-Commissioned Officer Academy
When I was off at school, a classmate pulled me aside in our first week. She basically asked me why I was so abrasive. I thought it was stress with my mom bouncing between nursing homes, unprocessed grief from dad recently passing away, and the stress of our impending move.
While those were all valid stressors, a little empathy may have gone a long way.
"I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
I think that phrase got me blackballed.
My German boss asked me if I was ready to be an instructor. I’m not sure what he heard, but my intention was to say "yes, I am ready” and simply imply (“since you are not providing any more training, I have achieved all the goals you set before me.")
He may have misheard my sentiment as “please continue the beatings until my morale improves.”
I’m not sure exactly what happened, but I was once again special, and a better handle on empathy may have helped.
"Who the fuck do you work for?"
I'm lucky I didn't get hauled in by security at Boston’s Logan International Airport when I yelled that at the desk clerk and slammed my IDs on the counter. Empathy was not on display that day.
"Insults are Insulting"
That sounds pretty simple, but again, intellectually knowing something and internalizing its meaning are not always the same. Somewhere in the chaos of our retirement move I realized I ended a few conversations and friendships with unintended, easily avoided insults.
‘The’ Interview
When I first retired, I had no idea how out of touch with the world I was. I had one particular job interview I call ‘The’ Interview. I learned so much from that experience an entire missive may need to be written. Bottom line: the VP of the small manufacturing company was threatened when he thought I wanted his job. I had no idea what I was doing in that interview… and my lack of empathy was not due to a lack of trying.
My first attempt at Solitude…
… didn’t go as I planned. With two nights alone at a cabin in the woods, I learned a lot about myself, but relaxing escaped me.
No too long after that, I started writing. :)
As I prep the header (or lay the foundation) for “War to Writing,” I am starting to see the vision of the book come in to focus. Reevaluating life situations in hindsight with a deliberate focus to learn has been an interesting experience so far.
I believe this process will allow me to phoenix my way back out of this mess more aligned with my true self and strong enough to face the world with a renewed vigor and sense of purpose.
What’s Next?
For now, I will continue writing a book. (or two)
I am starting to see the book effort like a project. Writing a book is my first major goal to keep in my sights and stay on target. One of the reasons I write here is to stay focused, and starting with a book as a goal seems to be keeping most of the extra distractions at bay.
As I continue to explore empathy and employ it more gracefully and effectively (and hopefully naturally) in my life, I hope I can prevent some of the complications that came from misuse or misunderstanding of the term in my previous experiences like those listed above.
Supposedly, “Insanity” is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I guess you could say I’m hopeful the process of examining these threads will help me learn from my experiences and do something different, with more positive results. :)
With any luck, this is just another step on the journey from surviving to thriving.
Thank you again for your time. I hope my words bring some perspective or comfort. I am excited to continue this journey and hopefully weave a tapestry of healing.
I look forward to seeing you next Saturday.
Take care,
- jofty 8^)
In the midst the next stressful situation that life tosses my way, I think I will borrow your phrase: "I'm going to phoenix myself outta this." Just a whisper to myself. :)
Last week you were the sower. Now, you're the weaver!