Empathy and the Holidays

Balance around Christmas, Empathy in Action, and Writing for the Reader

I hope you had a pleasant Christmas! Whatever that meant for you this week, I hope you found some peace and relaxation at some point. With any luck I hope you had some good times and forged some lasting memories with family or friends.

My little Charlie Brown Christmas Tree always finds a new home each year. The first year we bought it to sit alone in our empty living room in our empty house for two weeks before we moved across the planet. It spent two holiday seasons at work, also on different sides of the planet. ;p

I spent mine mostly peacefully at home with just the four of us. On both Christmas eve and Christmas day I woke up without an alarm, without a toddler, and without expecting company or a need to leave my house. On Christmas day I made one phone call and received exactly zero. It was glorious.

A few days before and after Christmas, we spent a little time with old friends and enjoyed a spontaneous¹ adventure with a couple new friends.

There has been solitude, family time, good food, and more general peace and ease than I typically expect around Christmas. While we missed a few family traditions this year, we didn’t try too hard to do too many things. I managed to be a decently pleasant human, and by extension I think the experience of those around me was generally more pleasant as well. This was possible in part because I “let go.”

I stopped trying to control so many things. Just because I can affect something, even if I feel like things would be better if I took action - doesn’t mean I should. I think back to the kite example starting around 1:17 in the video from my Stoicism article. When we hold on too tightly to the kite strings we leave ourselves at the mercy of the wind.

“Detaching doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you’re assigning the proper weight to things outside your control.”

I feel like I’m starting to find a balance between what my “dog brain”² wants or feels it needs — control over so many things — and what actually works in civilized society: playing nice with others.

We all have our own traditions and each year brings new people, new challenges, new joys, and new memories. We don’t always want the same things and we don’t always want what others think we want. When we gather in groups, or choose not to, that can lead to struggles when interests don’t align well.

When playing nice with others proves difficult, a little empathy can go a long way toward enjoying holidays together.

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Empathy in Action

This week I’ve done a lot of reflection on what I’ve written so far, and of course my current, working missive on Empathy. As I share more here I start to see how my personal experiences are likely where we will find the most actual value for discussion. Detailed analysis, over-sharing, and general rambling have their time and place; however, experiences in real time are shaping my thoughts as I untangle them, and those seem most worthy to share here and now.

This leads me to believe the question this week is:

How has empathy helped?

BLUF: With just a little empathy and a sprinkle of curiosity, I was able to peacefully coexist in what was likely to be an otherwise very stressful ‘fun’ holiday evening.

First of all, no-one wants me to be this guy… either one of them, actually. I think I do both rather well, and quite unintentionally sometimes. The problem is, I currently have no ability to pretend to be somewhere in the middle. That means I have to figure out how to actually be somewhere in the middle. That sounds like moderation… balance… I’m workin’ on it…

This week I had a fantastic example of my success in finding a personal balance between these two extremes. Everyone around me was having a great time and I felt like Sergeant Major Plumley. Empathy proved to be a key tool to navigate the space in-between.

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An Unexpected Evening with Neighbors - Deadlines, Spontaneity, and Empathy

I had a spontaneous evening. It was late. It was cold. I dreaded it. It was awesome.

Exactly one week ago as of this posting, I had a personal crisis. I fought a very difficult battle - internally and externally - and I won. We, as a family, won.

Every time I hit the ‘Publish’ button here and a post goes live, I spend a couple hours experiencing an odd mix of emotions. It’s hard to describe, not entirely unpleasant, but a bit of a roller coaster ride that feels like some type of “manic” mood swing — but I am not a doctor. Regardless, an hour or two to relax has gotten me through it every time and I figure this is something I’ll eventually learn to understand or address. Frankly, I don’t ever want hitting the ‘publish’ button here to become routine, so I think this is probably healthy, or will be.

Last Saturday, chaos started about an hour before the deadline. I was behind schedule and was still finishing up the voiceover and fighting the software. Even though the deadline and expectations are fully self-imposed, I feel a duty to get the newsletter out on time and with a respectable level of quality. As those were in jeopardy I was coping mostly by looking forward to relaxing at 1620. That was not to be.

Apparently, our neighbors wanted to take us out to dinner. After that, they wanted to take us to a small Christmas experience only the locals know about. That meant it was going to be full-on family-and-people-time from immediately after I hit ‘publish’ through late in to the evening.

I was not prepared for that.

I think it was only possible for me to pull my shit together for the evening because I’ve been writing here and thinking about Stoicism and Empathy.

Once the article was published, that roller coaster hit hard and fast. The techniques I’ve written about here came into play immediately.

• Big Rock: Family Fun Tonight - this is the type of thing we need to be doing and therefore takes immediate priority

• Glass Ball: Reset mentally and prepare for the evening - so the Big Rock can lead to positive memories

• Dandelions: everything that doesn’t directly and immediately facilitate the glass ball or big rock

This is where Empathy comes in.

None of my discomfort was more important than the peace of those around me. Empathy was the key to keeping that peace.

For reasons I don’t fully understand and haven’t explored in depth here yet, gatherings of people have become very difficult for me. Restaurants and parties are a particular challenge, and we were set to do both that night... instead of what I had come to consider an almost sacred personal relaxation window.

I needed about an hour of solitude to clear my head and prepare myself for the evening. Thankfully, we had just enough time, my family gave me the space, and I was able to get myself mentally prepared for the people-filled evening that followed. A shower and constant reminders that my job that night was to play nice with others set the foundation for the mental reset. The time I’ve spent reflecting and writing here gave me the focus and confidence to succeed.

With a little self-awareness and a good measure of discipline, I was able to actually enjoy the fun around me instead of seeing it as a cause of unease. If I couldn’t contribute to the fun at least I could avoid taking away from it.

A small measure of curiosity went a long way toward helping me vicariously enjoy the fun others around me were having. Curiosity also helped me genuinely care enough to focus and actively listen in conversations.

I wasn’t a statue all night. As I’ve learned and discussed, that’s not the point or goal of being “stoic” and doesn’t exactly ooze ‘empathy.’ We had several rounds of engaging conversation and I participated in most of them. Dinner was awesome and we will return to that restaurant.³ The kids had fun. We got to know our neighbors a bit. We’ve lived next door for a year and a half and spent more time talking to them that night than we have the entire time we’ve been here.

Bottom Line: Empathy helped me be more “stoic” and it was better for everyone. At times it was appropriate for me to retreat almost fully into myself. Typically, with just a little empathy and a sprinkle of curiosity, I was able to peacefully shut up and listen for a change. This allowed everyone around me to have a good time largely untainted by my internal struggles.

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Writing Thoughts

While it’s really neat that I want to write, doing so here implies a respect for … nay, the primacy of the reader. I can keep all my writing to myself… squirrel it away for my family to find or figure out when I’m gone. Instead, you are reading some of it now. The parts I share with you should be shared with you in mind.

Not every post here will educate or inspire. Not every post here will be gossip worthy insight in to my darker hours. Not every post here will be a rambling 4,000 word deep dive.

However —

Every post here should be written for you.

I’m still figuring out what that means. Thanks for hanging in there while I work that out.⁴ 8^)

If my head is a server room, I’m trying to take this and make it look nice by the time I hit ‘publish.’ I will not always succeed. ;p (Image credit: Footnote 4)

When I wrote about balance earlier, I was also thinking about moderation here regarding writing less, or differently. I enjoyed this tactical pause to reevaluate and refocus.

I don’t think every post will be for everyone. I don’t intend to make that my goal. Still, every post I write should have some reason to be shared in the first place - some reason you can walk away from the article glad you spent the time to at least glance through it. Until I find a solid rhythm, respecting your inbox may sometimes look like six days of silence. If I can’t always present the clean product below, hopefully I can at least avoid sending out anything that resembles the mess above. 8^)

(Image credit: Footnote 4)

Over the last couple weeks I wrote several thousand words I expected to post as holiday bonuses. I put together a short Christmas music playlist, wrote a few paragraphs asking for your favorite songs, memories, and traditions, and even toyed with the idea of inviting you to a Christmas hangout on my twitch stream or making my first podcast a short Christmas concert on my Trumpet. While many of these sound like great ideas, they don’t seem to make sense here yet. This year it seemed most important to avoid trying to do too much too quickly. With a more robust community and a more experienced writer, those types of posts and community engagement may make more sense next year. 8^)

Instead, I remembered my promise to post every Saturday, my reasons for writing, and I managed to find what I hope was a good balance this week. I pulled back on posting and engagement on Substack to be more present with my family and my own inner peace for the holidays.

When I started writing here last month, I hit the ground running and charged hard out of the gate. I led with some heavy topics because I needed to get some shit off my chest and because those seemed like the best way to jump in with both feet and commit to this space - and to you, my dear reader.

Now I am looking to find my stride, develop a rhythm, and prepare for a marathon.

This may be the first time in my life — certainly in my memory — that I actually return from a holiday break feeling refreshed or recharged in any real way. I have you, in large part, to thank for that.

I hope that allows me to start 2025 with a renewed sense of purpose here and with you at the forefront of my thoughts crafting every missive I post.

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In Conclusion

That’s it for today. I hope you found this story about Empathy and its practical application and tie-in with Stoicism somehow entertaining or useful. At a minimum, I hope it helps plug a small gap I left in that space after my Stoicism article. As always, please comment below or send me a note if you would like to add to the conversation or ask a question.

Thank you again for coming along for the ride. If I don’t see you before Wednesday, have a happy new year, and I’ll see you in 2025!

Take care,

- jofty 8^)

1. I don’t do spontaneous. I have a data problem. I have a planning problem. I have anxiety issues because I overthink and over plan. I like turn based games. Spontaneous anything doesn’t work well with me. I’m workin’ on it. ;p

2. I was speaking with a VA doctor to discuss my recent mental health challenges and he used the term “dog brain” to label their root cause or origin. He was basically referring to my lack of emotional control as coming from a core part of my physiology - survival instinct, genes, etc… That certainly sounded right, and his framing of it that way did confirm my thoughts and help me figure out more effective ways to combat unwanted emotional responses.

I addressed this more in a previous post:

3. I did have a specific struggle with the restaurant. For some reason they are still a recurring challenge for me. When I walked in and saw the place was full I had an uncontrollable urge to wait outside instead of standing there looking at everyone. The ladies in our party got a table so it was just the three of us guys and I figured if I stepped out for a minute it would be no big deal. Well, I didn’t expect the other two to follow me out in to the biting wind.

That was the moment my thoughts deliberately turned back to Empathy. My desire to be with my neighbor and my son and allow them to have positive memories of that special night was more important than some “dog brain” impulse that I should have learned to control in Kindergarten. I shouldn’t have needed to give conscious thought to these concerns. Simply identifying my desire to empathize and need to put forth a little effort made a big difference. 8^)

4. This link shows 1 Good and 5 Bad Examples of wire management and art. This feels like my head — a mess, but art — to the right eyes and with the proper amount of care.

https://www.backupassist.com/blog/server-cable-disasters-that-look-like-famous-paintings